1. A negative attitude

Yes, academics today are tougher than when you were in school. So much so they actually increased the SAT testing scores! Yet, that does not mean that we need to take an “I can’t” attitude when it comes to school. As a parent, your words and attitude can send a strong message to your teenager about school success. Does your teenager need any encouragement?

2. Lack of planning

Many parents and teenagers start the school year off with great expectations and the desire to have excellent grades, land the lead part in the school play, and then try out for varsity. Yet, goals can only be accomplished with proper planning. As a parent, help your teenager set realistic goals, and then make specific action plans on how they can accomplish them.

3. Giving up too soon

It happens every year around Fall Break. The excitement is gone, the weather is colder and student’s attitudes can take a dip. Does your teenager have the tendency to give up too soon? As a parent, you can help your teenager stay on track by not letting them give up. If they are at an impasse, then work together to find a different route to help them accomplish their goals.

4. Disregarding the social aspect

For many students, academics and extra curricular activities becomes their full time job. They spend countless hours studying and preparing for their exams, often into the wee hours of the night. Then they buzz from school to their extra curricular activities. Remind your teenager not to lose sight of the social aspect of these years. It can be at time to make some life long friends, so encourage your teenager not to miss it!

5. Refusing to get outside help

Many families can feel overwhelmed during the teenage years. Many parents especially feel they lack the knowledge needed to help with homework, and teenagers may feel like they are just not able to grasp what is required from them academically. In addition, there can be a lot of social incidents that can make parents and teenagers feel unprepared. Seek the help from outside services that can benefit your family.

6. Chaotic home environment

A teenager’s home environment can have a significant influence on his/her success at school. Whether there are issues with marital issues between his/her parents, or even just a chaotic morning, many teenagers can bring their home concerns to school. Often, just having a regular morning routine can make a difference in your teenager’s school day. Also, seek the help of a professional counselor regarding any emotional concerns you or your teenager may be experiencing.

7. Forgetting to breathe

Families today are extremely busy. With commitments to school, church, athletics, and other extracurricular activities, it is easy for families to feel disconnected in the process. As a family, carve out some time on a regular basis to just be together. Your time together can be as simple as watching a movie together, or grilling in the backyard.

“To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.”  ~A.A. Milne

You are driving with your teenager in the front seat having a great afternoon chatting about the summer and laughing at fun times as a family.  Then the conversation turns to going back to school.  Your teenager’s demeanor turns from laughter to scorn.  His eyebrows frown, his voice grunts and he lets out a deep sigh to show his disdain that the summer is over.  And your daughter’s face communicates how this school thing is a huge interruption to her summer social scene.

Does your student have The Back To School Blues?   While most teenagers are going to some resistance of returning back to school, the issue is with its severity.  Here is how to help your student defeat The Back To School Blues.

Mild Back to School Blues

This stage is described by a student who does not hate school altogether,  just how it seems to interrupt her daily life.  She has new clothes to wear and friends to catch up with.  She is looking forward to planning activities with her friends minus the structured schedule that school has to offer.   She does not understand why classes start at an ungodly hour and the purpose of these things called SATs.

What to do:

It’s pretty easy…just go with it.  Eventually the frustration will decrease from the daily school routine, and she will come a point of acceptance.  Truthfully,  her complaints are similar to many adults’ towards work.

Moderate Back to School Blue

This stage belongs to the student that doesn’t mind telling you what specifically he hates about school.  Usually in their junior or senior year, this student is “tired of everything and everyone” at school.  School offers little excitement and has become uneventful.  He does find some enjoyment with his teammates and two teachers out of seven.  He has gained his sense of independence with driving and a job, and school is just one more obstacle to adulthood.

What to Do

Give your teenager new responsibilities that coincide with his independence.  This is a great time to help him learn how to make positive long term decisions with rewards and consequences.   Embrace the opportunities and work through the mistakes – because there will be both.

Severe Back to School Blues

This stage can be more concerning for parents.   This student may be experiencing some depression,  anger or excessive anxiety toward going back to school.  There may be some physical complaints as well.  The concerns may range from the academic stress to make the right grades, having problems with friends or even bullying.

What to do

If you student is experiencing this stage, then seek the help of a qualified medical professional.  Speak to you pediatrician or a professional counselor.  Your child and family do not need to suffer alone.  Working together with a professional, you and you student can defeat the Back to School Blues.

Your relationship with your teenager can often seem strained resulting from busy schedules, power struggles, and just the basic process of growing up. Here are the top 5 things that you can say to help maintain a positive rapport with your teen, despite your differences:

1. “I love you”

This sounds simple, and overstated. However, you would not believe how many teens I have counseled that have told me “I know my parents love me, but they never actually tell me they do.” While they dismiss this due to “my mother/father just doesn’t talk about feelings,” deep down everyone breathing needs to be told they are loved.

Parent tip: If your teen is embarrassed by public gushiness, then write him/her a note and leave it in a special place to be discovered.

2. “Thank you”

A word of thanks goes along way, especially for a teenager. Many parents challenge me on why they should say thanks to their son/daughter for “doing those things (chores, good grades, dressing appropriately, etc) that they should be doing?” My answer is simple: Don’t you like it when others show their appreciation to you for even the mundane things in life? Why would it be any different for teens? In a world that demands so much, gratitude is so refreshing.

Parent Tip: Send your teen a random text message today thanking them something they have done, even if it is expected.

3. “I’m sorry”

Perhaps the three most powerful words that can make or break any relationship are “I am sorry.” Yet, for some they are the most difficult three words to say. Saying I am sorry to your teen shows respect for their feelings and authenticity as a person. It eliminates the one up man ship between parent/child, and models healthy conflict resolution.

Parent Tip: Do you really want to shock your teen? In addition to apologizing, ask your teen for their forgiveness for your offense.

4. “You are important just because you exist.”

Our culture rewards accomplishments and ridicules failure. Thus, it sends the message that if you are successful then you are valuable and if you fail you are less than. Positive affirmations must be filled with descriptions of character, not just achievements. Successes and personality are equally significant.

Parent Tip: Handout positive affirmations about your teens attributes, not just achievements. Example: “You’re brilliant” rather than “Great job on that A.”

5. “You are worthy of my time.”

This can be said and shown to your teen. Spend time with your teen getting to know him/her. Become an observer of their personality, beliefs, and passions. Treat them as if you are meeting them for the first time, and really want to get to know them. They may resist your attempt, especially if is new to both of you. However, generally persistence is the key.

Parent Tip: Spend 10-15 minute each morning or evening 3-5 days per week in conversation with your teenager, where you are listening more than talking. You may be surprised by the person they have become.

This phase can be challenging for both you and your teenager. But can be manageable and enjoyable with maintaining open communication and respect for one another.

While we all may be at different parenting stages as a mom, you are special just because you exist.   After all, humanity would completely stop without us!  Today,  some moms may be treated to breakfast in bed to be followed by a lazy Sunday.  Others may have a full day of special outings with the little ones. Or perhaps some moms will revel in some uninterrupted alone time.

Mother’s are special – imperfections and all!

1. What does sex mean to you?

This is a good starting point to talking with teenagers about sex.  A person’s perception of sex can be skewed by sexual abuse and the media.

Sexual abuse

Victims of sexual abuse may have repulsion toward sex. It often affects a person’s self image and the value they place upon themselves. They become afraid of being hurt again, and may avoid sex altogether. Or victims may experience anger and the desire to be in control – assuring oneself that they will not be hurt again. Thus, becoming more sexually active on their own terms. Neither approach is healthy. If your teenager has been a victim of sexual abuse, then I encourage you to get them some counseling to help them move from being a survivor of sexual abuse to an overcomer.

The Media

What can be said about the media? Is it all bad? No. Is it all good? No. Is it everywhere? Yes! Our culture is saturated with technology and the media. A person can watch the weather, or keep current on the headlines with a smartphone. Likewise, sexuality is common to all media outlets. If there is something in the media that is offensive to you, use it as a point of discussion rather than criticism. Ask your teenager about his/her perception of the offensive content. Engage their opinions rather then lecture them.

2. How do you know when is the right time to have sex?

This question is designed to help you and your teen begin to have a discussion about their perceived readiness of sexuality. Notice I said “perceived” readiness. This does not necessarily mean they really are prepared for sexual relationships. Most teens are short term thinkers, and do not consider the physical threats of sexual behavior. It is essential that you are current on all health risks when facilitating a discussion with teens. Doing your research shows you are in touch with their culture, and interested in the struggles they may face. You can log onto the Center for Disease Control website (www.cdc.gov) for current information on adolescents and risks from sexual behavior.

3. Do you think sex makes people feel closer?

Blinded by the influence of the media, sexual behavior is seen as a rite of passage filled with emotional intensity. They fail to see the huge rejection, and feelings of betrayal, that can follow when a break up occurs. In addition, some teens express some damage to their self worth after engaging in sexual behaviors; particularly if they were “used” as a sexual object on their partner’s lists of sexual conquests. Sexual behavior creates emotional vulnerability, not necessarily closeness. It is rare that teens have the emotional capacity to handle such feelings.

Remember, the intention in discussing the risks with your teenagers is to educate them how to make wise decisions. This must be done without lecturing them. All you can do is help them be aware of the facts, weigh them out, identify their own conclusions, and foster continued open communication for further dialogue.

It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend, and how is your relationship with your teenager? Chilling as the cold frosty weather outside? Or is it warm and cheery that comes from the comfort of peace and tranquility?

Is your home filled with contention or harmony? Not that any special holiday is needed, but Valentine’s Day can be a great time to begin a new with your teenager. Here are some ideas on how to share Valentines’ Day with your teenager:

1. Say you love them

Many teenagers know that their parents love them, but may not hear it enough. The teenage years can be filled with joys and frustration for all involved. When conflict exists, a simple affirmation of your love can go a long way with your teenager. Although there is nothing like the spoken word, a note expressing your love for your teenager can also be meaningful.

2. Respect them

It is no secret that teenagers can be disrespectful to their parents. Yelling, talking back, and even derogatory physical expressions are common ways of showing disrespect. The tempting part is to not reciprocate.

Respect occurs when you feel honored by another person regardless of a conflict or differing opinion. Some common ways of showing respect can be maintaining eye contact when talking, stopping what you are doing to listen to what they are saying, and avoiding name calling when arguing with another person.

3. Listen to them

Listening is so hard to do, not just for parents and teenagers. In the rush of what we want to say, our ears seem to take a backseat to our mouths. Yet, a person can feel very validated when another person is taking the time to listen, not just hear them.

Try taking some steps to be intentional on listening to your teenager. You know you are listening to the other person when you are not thinking about what you are going to say next!

4. Hold them accountable

Teenagers would love nothing more than to have complete freedom, without responsibilities, and no rules to live by. Where do I sign up for that lifestyle?

Unfortunately, that is not real life. As a parent, you do a big service to your teenager by holding the accountable for their actions with reasonable consequences. It will teach them responsibility and help them achieve the independence which they think they are entitled.

5. Communicate with them

One great way to keep informed of what is happening with your teenager is to communicate with them. Communication is simply an exchange of ideas between two people. It does not mean there is an agreement. In fact, often there is a disagreement between the two parties, yet they are able to discuss the matter in a calm, rational manner.

6. Forgive them

Parenting a teenager is difficult, and it can be a challenge to any sane rational human being. It becomes easy for anger and resentment to set it. However, this only leads to further disruption to your parent-child relationship.

Forgiveness is essential in a successful parenting relationship. Being able to love them where they are at, warts and all, and let go of resentment can be challenging. But, it can be the key to a closer relationship with your teenager.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, what can you do to show your love to your teenager? Do you need to say those three important words of “I love you?” Do you need to implement more love and respect in your parenting relationship?

How about trying to hold them more accountable for the decisions he/she makes? Are they any areas where forgiveness needs to be played out more? Take the first step to improving the parenting relationship with your teenager!

As a parent you cannot force your teenager to open up to you. All you can do is create a relational environment, that over time, she will know that she can come to you with her problems. A relationship which she knows she will be heard- rather than lectured. An environment where he is certain he can be encouraged rather than ridiculed.  A relationship filled with conversations of sound advice and discussion versus parental monologues and attempts to control.

So how do you begin the process of connecting with your teenager? Here are some suggestions that will take a minimum of 5 minutes per day to enhance the rapport with your teenager:

1. Become an observer

A direct key into connecting with your teenager is to find out what influences them or what captures their attention. Where do they spend most of their time? Maybe your son spends most of his time on gaming with his friends or connecting with them on social networking sites. Perhaps your daughter finds community with her friends on her athletic team or just spending time with her friends. By observing, you will gather important information about your teenager that can be a doorway to future discussion.

2. Become a learner

Once you have discovered what your teenager likes and what influences their attention, learn more about it and then begin discussing it. The best way to learn about something is to ask non-threatening questions to your teenager about what they like. Non-threatening questions acquire more information rather than demonstrate the need for justification. For example, instead of saying “Why do you like this Facebook site?” try saying “This Facebook site is really interesting. Can you show me some more?” The first can cause your teenager to become defensive raising the need to justify what he enjoys. The latter already communicates his hobby is valid and the fact that you are interested in leaning more about it. Everyone likes to spend time talking about their interests.  It makes us feel intelligent and significant. In addition, we all like spending time with those that share in interest in what we like.   It is the same with teenagers.

3. Be an encourager

View the teenage years as a learning process. Their judgment and critical thinking skills are developing. This is part of the developmental task they must go through.  Like anyone else, teenagers make mistakes. Some intentional, but I believe most of them are unintentional. Just as certain that teenagers will make these blunders; parents will get frustrated during this process. Their decisions will not make any sense to you and their mistakes can be tiresome. But, when the dust settles, teenagers need to be encouraged. They need to know that they are more valuable to you than their failures. Encouragement comes in many forms. Verbal affirmations, physical hugs, a well written note, calm demeanor and tone of voice are just a few examples that can encourage your teenager. Even more, catch your teenager doing something right and tell him.  Very few people enjoy criticism as much as an encouraging word.

4. Be a participator

For most teenagers, relationships are more important to them than wealth or prestige. Therefore, choose to become a participant in their world. If you know what captures their attention then find some way to participate with them- even if you do not enjoy it. Many teenagers also value social causes and many choose to participate in them. Find a local community organization that needs volunteers and invite your teenager along. Get creative and find deliberate ways to stay in touch with your teenager.

5. Be willing to get some help with your relationship

Often, parents and teenagers can get stuck in rut. Relationships sometimes need outside help to bring clarity and insight. Be willing to seek help from a qualified counselor that specializes in teenagers and parenting relationships. If you go to together, it will make your teenager feel less like the main cause of the problem.

What about you? Do you know what captures the attention of your teenager? What observations can you make?  Is there a way  you can encourage your teenager before your head hits the pillow tonight?  How can you take 5 minutes to connect with your teenager today?

Regardless of the plans, many parents can find themselves feeling apprehensive about spending a vacation with their teenagers. “Is this holiday season going to be a disaster?” “What if he/she embarrasses me in front of everyone?” “We haven’t been getting along lately, and what if this entire vacation is filled with conflict?” Here are 7 things you can do to help make it a great vacation:

1. Include your teenager in the planning

If there is one thing most teenagers enjoy, it is giving their input and opinion.  Why not ask your teenager some ideas of what they think would be enjoyable to do on the family vacation. Even if you set the ground rules of where your family is going, ask them what they would like to do some of the time.

2. Carve out some alone time for yourself

Ironic as it may sound vacations can be exhausting, especially for parents. Fatigue can set in from trying to accomplish too much in such a short amount of time. Make sure you take some time to relax yourself.  A relaxed parent makes for a more relaxed family vacation.

3. Set apart some time for just you and  your teenager

Even if you are vacationing with a lot of extended family members, make it a point to take some time to spend with your teenager one-on-one. It does not necessarily need to be a huge ordeal with a lot of fan fare. Perhaps grabbing something to eat unexpectedly, or going for a walk in the morning. Even a conversation in the car while running errands can be meaningful.  If you use this time to give lectures, it will likely result in arguing – which is counterproductive.

4. Allow your teenager to have some reasonable amount of time alone

As the years pass, there is a normal part of you that desire to spend a lot of time with your teenager.   You want to cherish the time with your daughter, and make sure your son knows the importance of your relationship. Yet, today’s teenagers’ lives can be as busy as adults’. Like you, they may need some down time to just sit and do nothing.

5. Avoid placing any expectations or ideals on your vacation

Many parents visualize in their mind and heart what they want their family vacations to be like. Their ideals are filled with holiday cheer, perfect children and Norman Rockwell memories. They unintentionally place expectations on their teenagers and family members. While dreams are not a bad thing, disappointment and resentment can arise when these expectations are not met. Take your vacation a day at a time, without any expectations.   It just may turn out better than you could ever expect!

6. Agree to put all major family conflict aside for the duration of your vacation

If there is a major conflict between you and your teenager, then agree to put the matter aside until after your vacation. Anyone can “agree to disagree” for a temporary period of time. No one wants a vacation filled with tension and conflict.   Choosing your battles can put you on the right path for a great holiday vacation.

7. When unavoidable conflict arises between you and your teenager, talk it out

No doubt there will moments of unavoidable frustration between you and your teenager.  When this happens then talk it out in a manner that will resolve conflict rather than placing blame. Avoid harboring grudges and resentments as this will only ruin your time together.

Oh and here is Take lots of pictures! They will mean more later!

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